There is a popular old saying which most people know that says that "Blood is thicker than water". What this essentially means is that your family is/should be more important than other people. The folks that you share DNA with share a more intimate connection with you than those with whom you just share some water (or steamed dumplings and chicken livers, should that be the case).
There is another, somewhat less popular and even older saying that fewer people know which says that "Blood is thicker than water". See, when the phrase originally cropped up at the turn of the last millennium, it actually meant the exact opposite. Those who are "blood brothers", either through entering into a covenant or through battle, are closer in reality than brothers who share "the waters of the womb".
The juxtaposition of these two interpretations of the same, admittedly played out nugget of wisdom reached its zenith when CBS's show Survivor decided to test it out. Twice now, Survivor has had seasons where loved ones were forced to play the same game together and, ultimately decide where to place their loyalties in order to get to the end. Would you vote your own mother out of the game if it meant you could win $1,000,000?
So who is right and who is wrong? Are we really closer to our families or with the people who we share space with? Did anyone even realize that Survivor was still on TV?
I think that the answer is much more complicated than that. I'd like to muddle around in these waters for a bit.
The idea for this post came about with the arrival of Laura's sister and brother (one of her brothers) this week. That's right, for the sole reward of getting to spend time with me and her, Laura's kin traveled over 7000 miles and endured more than 6 grueling flights to come to the land of bean curds and rice cakes.
It was truly a breath of fresh air when they arrived. I mean this just as literally as I do metaphorically. Easter weekend was a holiday weekend in China called "Tomb Sweeping Festival" and, probably due to all the factories being shut down so that the workers could go and sweep their ancestral tombs, the air was clear and crisp. We actually saw the sun, the moon, and some stars this past weekend!
Socially, it was also just very nice to be around some people that we have known for so long. Being around them again was like slipping on an old pair of shoes, except not quite as smelly. I have grown pretty close with a lot of my coworkers here, but it was a huge relief to spend some time with people this week that don't require any "work". We all know each other and have known each other for a very long time. We're all well past the awkward stages that accompany new relationships.
Since they could only be here for about a week, our sight-seeing options were rather limited. Ultimately, the Kuznias did most of their touring around by themselves while we were at work. I made it my personal goal for when we were all free and available to be together to show off all of the best food that Foshan has to offer. We took them too all of the big hits, and managed to highlight a number of different and delicious Chinese cuisines in the short span of the week.
As a vegetarian, I think that Carol had a tougher time encountering some of the more blunt aspects of Chinese culture. She was also more limited in terms of what kinds of foods she could really experience. Still, she was a very good sport and definitely took advantage of some of the new flavors that were presented to her.
David, Laura's brother, dove in head first. He ate everything I threw at him and loved pretty much all of it. I hope that he goes home with good memories of some of the more delicious aspects of the People's Republic.
We didn't just sit around eating all day every day, though. We spent most of Sunday walking around Foshan city. I showed them all of the points of interest, and some of the more interesting/strange aspects of life here. They came over to our apartment and felt how insanely uncomfortable our couch and our beds are, and we all had a good laugh.
Monday, the date of the actual holiday proper, we took them to the Guangzhou Safari Zoo that Laura and I originally visited in October. Now that I am pretty much "over" China, I have to admit that I was quite a bit less impressed with the zoo this time around. That being said, it is still head and shoulders above just about everything else you can see or do in this part of the country. The park is so big, nice, and clean. It's a shining example of what is possible in China, even if it does have a fake theme-parky vibe to it. The koalas and the pandas are still cute as hell, by the way!
Speaking of theme parks, the Saturday before the Kuznias' plane arrived Laura and I went to an amusement park. This park is owned and operated by the same people who do the safari zoo; in fact, it is in the same resort grounds. Similar to the safari park, the amusement park is very highly rated, and also comes with a swath of awards and accolades. They brag that they have more roller coasters than any park in Asia, that they are the largest amusement park in Asia, and that each of their roller coasters have an award or distinction.
The first ride we went on was incredible. Touted as the "tallest free falling roller coaster in the world", it was definitely a ride of world-class variety. The name was somewhat less impressive. Yes, "Very Large Free Fall Roller Coaster" lived up to all of the hype that its moniker promised. We only had to wait in line for about 5 minutes, and we discovered that the entire park had free wifi. These all seemed to be very good omens for a day of coastering.
Unfortunately, and you'll have to forgive the dad pun, it all went downhill from there. There were only three roller coasters in the park, not six or eight or whatever they claimed. It turns out that China's definition of a roller coaster is much wider than mine. Perhaps I've been spoiled by Cedar Point, but the entire place was an enormous disappointment.
People didn't help the situation much either. Chinese people, as I have discussed before, don't really "do" lines or queues. Everything is always a crushing mad dash of chaos, whether it is a walmart check out line or boarding a subway. I was hoping against hope that it would be different here. Firstly, the cost of the theme park was rather prohibitively expensive for a lot of people in China. I thought maybe that the other guests in the park would be foreign tourists or well-educated and highly-experienced Chinese citizens who would be familiar with line etiquette. I also thought that the general rules of theme parks would mean that the staff wouldn't allow any shenanigans.
I was completely wrong. Everyone cut in line like they were cutting a slice of the world's most delicious cake. It was miserable chaos and it made waiting in line 10x worse than waiting in line already was. Walmart is one thing, but a roller coaster queue is sacred!
The other roller coasters were really lame, and in the case of one of them it was downright painful. Their other world record coaster was one that flips upside down more times than any other coaster. The laughingly titled "Ten Inversions Roller Coaster Ride" was not nearly as funny when we were on-board. The seats were designed for someone much smaller than me, and they did not hold my head down properly. All of the banks, turns, and inversions set my delicate noggin bouncing between the restraints like a pinball with Parkinson's. This being China, the restrains were also not very soft. I very literally walked away with bruises on both sides of my head. I wouldn't recommend the theme park to anyone.
Anyway, for the rest of the week Carol and David explored all of the big sights in Foshan and Guangzhou, including Xiqiao Mountain and Zumiao temple. Every night was a revelry of fried noodles and crispy duck skins.
Having them present allowed me to reassess how I feel about China. Seeing their eyes light up with wonder and their brows furrow with confusion/curiosity reminded me of what I liked about this place in the first few months. They experienced a lot of the same crap as me, but without any of the tired bitterness that I've been struggling with on and off since Christmas. Maybe China isn't so bad after all, especially when you can focus on the good things and have the gift of experience with knowing what restaurants to avoid and what sites are overrated.
I'm not saying that I want to stay here any longer at all, or even that I like this place that much more than I did last week, just that Carol and David provided a new and vicarious perspective with which I could interface.
The naps helped too. I was lucky enough to use their hotel room during lunch breaks during the work week, when they were out exploring. Their hotel was super classy and nice, and the beds were like sleeping on a cloud. Hell, even the floor was nice. On their last night in China, Laura and I stayed at their hotel room so we could get up bright and early and take them to the airport. I'm not even joking, the floor of this hotel room was much more comfortable than my Chinese bed in my apartment. I slept like a baby. A baby on a floor.
The day of their departure was a stressful one. I was sad to see them go after what felt like such a short visit. Also, China was working extra hard to inconvenience everyone. David and Carol very nearly missed their flight. At this point Laura and I are very experienced with nearly missing flights in China, and even we were sweating. I think that they made it onto the plane with only 1 or 2 minutes to spare. It was a big headache to say the least. Laura and I weren't much help in the matter, since we were sending home some extra bags full of clothes that we are unable to wear in China (because it's always way too hot or way too cold). The extra bag checking added time to what was already too much stuff to do before they boarded their jet.
So what did their visit teach me? Is blood thicker than water?
Well, for one thing I'm not technically related to them. Even still, I really do see them as family at this point. After dating Laura for nearly half a decade I have gotten quite close with the rest of her clan. I would have loved for my own brother and sister or my mother to come and visit me while I am here, but since that was not in the cards, I found Carol and David to be a quite acceptable substitute.
We've shared holidays together, spent time together for fun, and now have a journey to China that we will all share in the memory of for the rest of our lives. Just like when my sister came and visited me in Germany all those years ago, it was a time for us to grow closer as a unit or a group. Does one really have to wait until they are legally married to someone before the lines between their family and your family blur? I don't think so...
This, of course, got me thinking about my actual blood relations. I haven't seen them for almost 9 months now. A whole baby could go from not existing to existing in that time, and in fact it has already happened with a few friends of mine. Still, I don't feel any more or less close to them than I did before. I still talk to my mother nearly every day on the internet, and I speak with my siblings just about every week. Heck I've even managed to get ahold of my grandma a few times!
Time and distance, it seems, need not have any effect on how you feel about your family bonds. I cannot wait to see all of them when I get home, but I am also comfortable in knowing that I am comfortable in being away from them for large periods of time without fear of damaging our ties.
This leaves out the last key ingredient to my post: pretty much everyone else. There are friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers. Is it possible to feel attachments to them that are as strong or stronger than the attachments you feel toward your or your significant others' families?
There are countless examples in television and in film of groups of coworkers becoming surrogate families to one another. The most obvious one is probably The Office (UK or US). Obviously the real world is much less of a fairy-tale place, but I do think that there is something to be said about people who you spend so much time with. In my exact situation, this effect is compounded by the fact that the 7 of us foreign teachers live and work together, and we're pretty much all that we have. In a country of 1.3 billion people, we are some of the only people that we can possible interact with within several hours of travel.
Neighbors, coworkers, and friends, these labels were all very quickly blurred. They were blurred so much so that I frequently forget that I have only known these people for a few months. Sometimes my feelings get hurt when they don't act the way that I expect them to, and then I remind myself that they are still essentially strangers to me. They don't owe me anything, nor are they socially expected to behave any particular way around me. If I were at home and I had a 40 hour a week job, I wouldn't be seeing these folks half as much as I do now. If one of 'em did something to piss me off I would simply be annoyed about it for half an hour and then move on with my life.
I don't have that luxury here, for better or worse. When I get home from work, I see them again. If I want to do something on the weekend, they are the ones who are available to hang out. If I go for a jog on a Sunday morning, I will most likely see one or two of them.
Through all of that, I think I am very fortunate to have fallen into the pool with such a great group of individuals. After a few weeks of somewhat awkward situations, we've all clicked together pretty well. I like these people, and I have a feeling they like me too.
My propensity for immediately wanting to be best friends with all of these people is probably due to the fact that I have had pretty much the same core group of friends for almost 11 years now. Ever since the beginning of high school. Sure, I've lost touch with some, and gained a number of new ones since (despite the Club motto), but that core group has really stuck through for a long time now. I've forgotten what it is like to have friends who I'm not "best" friends with, because my friends at home truly are the best friends possible. The line between "friend" and "family" was blurred with these folks a long time ago, and will probably never go back.
Even the Chinese ladies in our office, who have a much wider gap to cross so to speak, have developed quite a rapport with the rest of us. I wouldn't say that I am quite as close to them, but I do think that it's interesting what having a common goal (teaching kids) and spending a lot of time together can lead to.
This brings me finally to Kelvin. Kelvin is my favorite student at our school. He's in 4th grade and is, most of the time, a little shit. He's so much farther advanced than the rest of the kids that he gets easily bored, and yet despite his occasionally bad behavior I can't help but love the little guy.
He SOAKS up English like a lexical sponge, and he is the only one who ever is willing to ask me questions during class. I am talking real questions, too, not just "can you say it again?".
Kelvin loves to play the tough guy in class, and act like the ring leader. Ever since we implemented a "no Chinese" rule in class, Kelvin is the one who is the enforcer. He's also the one who is not even remotely slowed down by the rule.
Sure, sometimes he royally gets on my nerves. I've had to kick him out of class once or twice, and he is always sure to tow the line between being friendly with me and being sarcastically snotty. In between classes he likes to tell me about video games he plays, and I like to show him cool game apps on my phone. He tries to beat my high scores and he never will because he sucks.
When I look at Kelvin I get excited for the potential for China's future. He is proud of his Chinese heritage but he isn't ignorant. He loves English and western culture, but has no desire to abandon where he came from. His intelligence and his intuition is something that I sadly do not see in a lot of older Chinese people, but it's clear that Kelvin and his generation have the potential to change a lot of that.
Now, I wouldn't consider Kelvin a friend or a "coworker". Even though he has been one of the few kids to make me feel truly welcome and good to be a teacher, I wouldn't characterize our relationship as anything beyond teacher and student.
Basically the point of all this is that family is a nebulous term. I think that who we are close with, who we care about, really has the potential to be anyone. The key ingredients are spending time, having a common goal, and maybe a little special ineffable something. Throughout life we form a lot of key relationships with people. If we are lucky, that group of people will be of all kinds of genders, nationalities, ethnicities, and backgrounds.
Considering that I'm on the other side of the planet, meeting young men and women from all over the world and forming connections with them, I guess I should count myself very lucky indeed.
(By the way those seasons of Survivor seem to indicate that, unless you are a teen mom daughter of a teen mom, you will probably allign more closely with your family than with your assigned tribe. For what it's worth, if I were on Survivor I would vote every single one of you out in a heartbeat.)
